“So as a getting to know each other exercise I want you to write down three things you like about being a new parent and three things you don’t”

Ok. Done.

Blah blah special bond, blah blah, new sense of purpose blah blah.

“Right so, what about negative things? Audrey what have you written for that?”

“Well, really for me, the hideous visions are my least favourite thing”

*Silence and blank faces*

“Y’know, how if you encounter a potentially dangerous situation or a near-miss, you can’t help but visualise the most terrible thing that could happen to the baby in the most graphic way”

*Silence and horrified faces*

“No? Does no-one else get that? It really upsets me. I kind of thought it was one of those instinct things that all new mums get. No-one? Really?”

*Silence and concerned faces*

“I don’t mean it’s a problem, I just mean I just gets these mental images of violent and hideous things happening – I figured it was a fairly primitive thing to make sure I look after him properly and don’t allow those things to happen. I think it’s probably pretty normal.”

“Ok well thank you Audrey. Anyone else?”

“Smelling of sick?”

(Everyone) “Oh yeah smelling of sick yeah that’s well bad oh yeah all the time”

“Yeah and not actually minding!! Hahahaha”

*Everyone laughs and shares numerous highly entertaining vomit stories*

Have a feeling I won’t be making any new mum friends at postnatal class.

The Health Visitor: If the little soul wants to be held all the time, hold him. You can’t possibly spoil a baby with affection.

The Sister: I carried mine everywhere. But if you don’t start putting him down soon he’ll get spoiled.

The Mother-in-Law: I’ve never seen such a smug baby. He’s got you wrapped round his finger. Such a spoiled boy.

Great. Thanks.

But the version in this video, off of Sesame Street, might actually be better. And educational. And fills me with an indescribable joy.

*But also slow dancing. To slow dance with your baby, hold it close with one arm, hold up its little hand with the other, put on ‘Always On My Mind’ by Elvis, feel the love (and don’t dwell on the meaning of the lyrics)

I’ve resorted to having baths so I can bring Frank into the bathroom with me and he can look up at me from his little rocker seat.

None of this is exactly ideal, and when I get out of the bath, drying myself within the confines of our already tiny bathroom becomes another challenge altogether.

But even this drawn out ritual cannot take place if small Frankenstein decides he’s not in the mood.

So yesterday, when he finally fell asleep I jumped at the opportunity to try my chances with the tepid bath I had run over an hour previously.

Gently I placed him in his rocker, quietly undressed and hung my dressing gown inches from his face – bless him he didn’t even flinch.

Buck nekked, I had a leg in the air ready to get in the bath and out of nowhere screaming. Screaming screaming screaming which caused both boobs to spray torrents all over the show.

I grabbed a towel, stemmed the milk shower and admitted defeat.

This morning, he has just fallen asleep. So as soon as I’m done writing this, we’re off for round two. Fingers crossed and nips knotted.

But we did catch some of the borderline hysterical “viewers’ comments” on BBC breakfast this morning (and I will declare a conflict of interest here – we were watching from the bed in which we had just woken from a lovely co-sleep).

I was a little surprised at how viciously some viewers appeared to be attacking co-sleepers, even suggesting co-sleeping was tantamount to neglect. Which doesn’t really seem to ring true given that I’m pretty sure infants didn’t evolve their sleeping habits while placed in cots physically separated from their mother.

To me co-sleeping is one of the most natural things in the world, provided basic precautions are taken (I mean, babies didn’t evolve to rest their tiny heads on bulging pillows under 13 tog duvets either).

One of my first thoughts was that no mechanism has been suggested for this increase – that is if co-sleeping increases risk of cot death, then how?

So before I’d even had my coffee (partly out of curiosity and partly out of guilt and fear) and found and read the original research paper.

Here is an important aspect of the research that isn’t really being mentioned enough:

“The proportion of SIDS infants found cosleeping in a bed with parents who had drunk two units or less of alcohol and taken no drugs was no different from that of the random control infants (18% v 16%). If parents who regularly smoked were further excluded, then five of the SIDS infants (6%) were found in this less risky cosleeping environment compared with nine of the random control infants (10%)”

This suggests that the increased risk of co-sleeping can be explained by smoking and alcohol intake immediately prior to the last sleep (as explained elsewhere in the paper) and that the proportion of SIDS infants that were co-sleeping with parents who didn’t smoke and hadn’t had any alcohol was no different from the proportion of infants in this situation in the control groups.

I had a chat about co-sleeping with my health visitor a while back. She was a strong supporter of co-sleeping BUT emphasised the importance of a firm mattress, no pillow, no duvet, make sure your partner knows the baby is in the bed, no smoking at all and no alcohol at all, not even one drink.

If you are interested in this issue I highly recommend reading the original paper which can be found here. There are clearly risks associated with co-sleeping, and in reading the paper it seems co-sleeping on a sofa is particularly risky, but there are also very simple ways in which these risks can be minimised.

UPDATE: The lead author of the paper, Prof Peter Fleming of the University of Bristol, has just been on breakfast clarifying that when the mother hasn’t being drinking or taking drugs and the infant is on a firm mattress, well away from pillows and the duvet, there is “no evidence whatsoever” of any increased risk of cot death from co-sleeping.